That Bad Feeling

Do you just have that feeling when something bad is going to happen, but you just don't know when?

I know I have those feelings and I don't like them one bit. I had that feeling when my mother passed away last year. I had the feeling that she probably wasn't going to beat cancer this time. It wasn't a good feeling. It made me feel pain, sadness, but I got over it. I just had to keep moving. I have that bad feeling all the time now. I sometimes ask myself: Do I have breast cancer? Will I get it? Will I survive or die? Why me? 

Well it's me because people in my family died of cancer before my mother and it isn't a good thing. So my chances are pretty risky of getting cancer. I probably have the genes, I don't know. I don't get check ups.

I don't think it's a sort of blessing either, I would rather die quickly than slowly. Having cancer is dying slowly. I have this feeling that I might get breast cancer, bone cancer, or some type of cancer that I don't want. This is why Angelina Jolie is my remodel. I'm not the only one that had that bad feeling, I know I'm not, because I'm not the only one in this world. If I was, I doubt it would be fun. I'd be lonely.

That bad feeling is the feeling that keeps me wondering about cancer. When I'm older I want to help people with cancer. I can do that now, but I just don't know how or where to start. Cancer is a beast. A beast that I rather not be in this world. Isn't there too many ways to die in this world already. why can't we have one less thing to worry about? Cancer takes away the people you love the most. I loved my mom, but we didn't have a strong bond, but I still cried when she passed. The next morning I woke up and realized everything did happen, I  still cried. I cried her name, but in low whisper, so I didn't wake anyone up. I blamed God for a minute, but asked for forgiveness afterwards, because I understand. I love God still. I understand that everything happens for a reason, but why did she have to die for that reason. why couldn't she die in her sleep. I hate that bad feeling, that I might die that way and not just from oldness. Makes me envy sometimes when most of my friends have both of their parents, but I'm moving on, because it's time to move on. That bad feeling is the feeling of anger, sorrow, mourn, sadness all bunched up together.

Leave comments below, I'll try to read and answer them.